I am totally committed to them
As most of you know from reading the start of my blog, that I was absent from my children's lives for some time. I have slowly but surely gained back the trust of family and Caiden and Bailee. I had to work, and had very little time for them. When I decided to "straighten" up I began the healing process of having a relationship with them. It has taken while, but I am the Danielle that others knew and loved. When Jerry was called out the first time I had gotten straight, I had to assume total responsibility for the children. Being that I worked all day, Homework was a struggle for me and the kids. I was tired and they were too. I had been taking are of "other" children for hours NOW I was taking care of more.. my own. There was supper to be fixed QUICKLY for they had been at school and they were hungry. Many nights I would here, "Mom, is supper ready yet I'm hungry." AND " Mom, I need help, I don't understand what this means." I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed that I could not be more for them. I was trying soo hard to make up for what I did for them, that I was running my self ragged. I dreaded homework, for it required my TOTAL undivided attention. While studying with them, thoughts of things needing to be done were running through my head. Laundry needed to be done, clothes laid out, kitchen needed to be clean, AND I DID NOT have a dishwasher, so I had to wash by hand. I needed to give them a bath, and wash Bailee's hair... which took at least an hour to dry. I needed a bath myself, wash my hair and in turn, takes just as long.I has to get my uniform laid out, I wore scrubs, and we had a specific color for each day. It's now 9 pm, and they are now unwinding from the day, lying on my bed,I'm talking to them about their day, like we used to do when we were once upon a family. Telling them I love them...goodnight. I know that I need to unwind, watch some tv, BUT I would feel fear of not being able to get up in the morning and so I called it a night and I would go to bed... AND it starts again. I guess what I am trying to say is that now, that I am home with them again, I have the chance once again, to be what I should be for them. I have the opportunity to have these minor and yes major things done during the day when they are not with me. I can deep clean.. the carpets, clean out closets, Have supper pretty much already prepared during the day. Have nice clean clothes put up neatly in their room. Snack waiting on them as soon as they walk into the door... I can do ALL this with the feeling of accomplishment and with the feel good notion of ready to take on homework as soon as we walk in the door. Yes, we have already talked about the day, in the car, and with that being said, I'm just glad to be here! I'm glad I am the one who takes the time to explain to them difficulties of homework. I am there to help, and when I do it now, There is no thought on those "other" things that need to be done, because I was home ALL DAY and they have already been taken care of!
